The Voice Investigates: The Goldfish Files


You run to the Leavey Center for a royal jacket feast, hopefully norovirus free. In Regents’ bush, a golden drop catches your eye. Is it a coin? An entry into the worlds beyond? Or is it, by chance, a literal goldfish?

Flies surround the fish while its gills cook in the sun. This is not a fish nap. He does not long for the waters of the Potomac. You can yell at it. You can hit it against the Leavey Center, but it is, in the lyrics by Monty Python, an ancient goldfish. Deprived of life, he joined the chorus of invisible fish. Chalk lines surround its fishy outline, and the crime scene is ready for detectives.

“How could this have happened? ” you ask yourself. Slowly the theories begin to circulate, dark clouds of thunder surround your brain. Someone’s going to get Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson. It’s time to settle the Voice the case investigation team.

Theory # 1: The Case of the Disgruntled Fish Scientist (Fish Scientist)

At the top of Leavey’s Science Labs, Dr. Gillentail is about to finish. Test after test has gone wrong. Fish after fish swam beyond his reach. He’s a final year doctoral student perfecting a theory about the potential translucency of goldfish, and he knows he’s about to make a big breakthrough.

Unfortunately, Georgetown has little funding for its scientific efforts. The university has decided to cut its ichthyologist funding in favor of an even nicer MSB building. Irritated beyond belief, Gillentail searches for the only object in his vicinity. He plunges his arm into a nearby tank and pulls out Goldfish # 98280, the last test subject. Throwing it across the room at the head of the nearest seedy student, it misses a few inches and # 98280 finds temporary freedom without a tank as it flies out of the Regents’ central window.

Theory # 2: The Potomac Spy Fish Case

Everyone knows that birds are in fact robots sent to observe our every movement and conversation. But what if birds were just a distraction from real spies: the fish of the Potomac? Every day they pass messages along the District border. “Glub glub blobbity glob,” they say in messages our top analysts have failed to decipher.

But as all spies know, espionage is a dangerous business. For Agent Golden Fin (008), operations did not go as planned. His cover broke, the officer was left to fend for himself on Georgetown Hill and did not survive when he was sabotaged by a gang of local rats waiting to strike. The Potomac will mourn the loss of its best operator, if not the most fishy.

Theory # 3: The flyby fish case

This theory is played out at 35,000 feet in a pressurized cabin. Goldy McGoldfish has been preparing for weeks for the big jump. You didn’t know it, it’s secretly the number one passion of all fish to go skydiving.

Head held high, eyes fixed on the horizon, our beloved McGoldfish takes a deep breath and jumps. The air rushes through its scales and its tail flaps gloriously in the open sky.

The problem is, there is about 1 skydiving accident in 500,000 jumps. And just sometimes, maybe a fish contributes the 0.39 percent.

McGoldfish was perfectly prepared for today and had taken 120 hours of show jumping lessons. Unfortunately, when McGoldfish went to pull the parachute, the equipment broke down. We’ll never know what really happened up there. Were McGoldfish’s fins too short to reach the reserve parachute, or could it have been….sabotage? All we know for sure is that McGoldfish will drop into the aquarium.

Theory # 4: Part of your ~ fishy ~ world

For a fish that has lived their entire life underwater, they want nothing more than to experience the human world above. This fish is the princess of the goldfish world of the Potomac. He’s got plenty of gadgets and gadgets. There are whozits and whatzits galore. Do you want things? He has them. But no matter when all that fish ever wanted, it’s an opportunity to study at Georgetown University. In a concocted plot with President DeGioia (in the form of an octopus), our friend fish sells his fantastic swimming ability for a place in the class of 2024. That is, however, until he realizes that he was deceived from the start. He traded in a chance to come to campus; however, the financial aid did not include the lungs.

Theory # 5: The case of fraternity

By far the saddest (and probably the most realistic) of these queues (understand, queues), is the case of a typical Friday night on campus. A group of freshmen take the plunge to enlist in their obnoxiously exclusive club of choice and, to celebrate, accept the age-old challenge of the goldfish liquor party. (Kids, don’t try this at home). But a Georgetown student just couldn’t do it. They remembered Cura Personalis. They remembered Hoyas for others. And as they looked into his innocent goldfish eyes, they just couldn’t murder a beautiful creature in this Jesuit college. Like one of Joseph’s biblical brothers, this Hoya concocted a plot to hide the goldfish and return later to save it. Sadly, this first year’s benevolent plan has gone awry.

In the middle of the night’s silliness, the student actually hid the fish in a lake from Natty Lite and not H20. Unfortunately, the fish lived a short, but joyful, remaining existence.

Theory # 6: Hilltop Sores

God, in his infinite and cosmic life, once again grew weary of the follies of man. Like a vindictive kid frying ants with a magnifying glass just to see what will happen, God took inspiration from one of his greatest hits – The Plagues of Egypt – and went round two to Ye Olde. Georgetown. First he served his favorite food: Pestilence, Three Ways. The students started to shit, cry and vomit as if they had seen a biblical angel and their fragile human bodies did not know how to handle the horror. But God had seen it before. He was struggling to find something new to quench his thirst for chaos. what if, he was thinking, What if it rains fish? Surely that would teach them to come back to the Light. But to be honest, he didn’t really feel it. That set of Plagues was just a trifle in his big galactic eyes. So, reluctantly, he dropped a single goldfish onto the sidewalk – a grim reminder of the ever-possible apocalypse – and set out to play Solitaire for the next millennia. The goldfish, cursed by Knowledge, let out a single tear.

Theory n ° 7: An anthropomorphization effort

“I did it!” hissed a deranged Bio major, pacing a third-floor Regents classroom, as his stunned lab partner watched warily. “I found a way to force evolution in a matter of moments! ”

“It just can’t be done! Cried the partner. “Evolution takes thousands – tens of thousands – of years of climate adaptation and existential threat!

The madman wrung his hands in clammy fervor. “My Time-Ray says otherwise.” He started to snap and cackle, and has now put his hand in the nearest aquarium, teeming with goldfish bred for experimentation and death. He fumbled for a moment, then grabbed a frantically pounding man in his fist and triumphantly lifted him into the air. In a flash of sickly green light, the fish began to transform before their eyes. It pulsed and struggled and finally fell limp, unmarked and, despite its throbbing, unchanged. Major Bio looked at the goldfish in shaking panic. “What’s wrong with that? Why is it unchanged?” The fish turned its bright, bulging eyes to its creator and opened its protruding mouth.

The soft, shrill voice of American actor Owen Wilson came out: “Father, why? ”

Major Bio recoiled in horror, throwing the fish onto the table. “Oh cruel existence! Fish Owen Wilson cried and collapsed on the table to the open window, throwing himself into a more loving world. Sadly, that world was Georgetown University, and it perished from the impact of the miasmic toxins in the air.


If you have any information on the above mentioned fish case, please contact the Voice’s The half-time recreation team[email protected]


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